Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Gosh this depression just doesn't want to quit!!

So just to let you all know... that $52 did buy me groceries for the 2 weeks, which will be up on 6/5/15!  I am super excited about that, i was able to make sure all of my bills were paid on time, and that is awesome....  And I did make the butter and buttermilk!! it turned out really good!!!


Now to get to what I am going to blog about;

I am Bipolar with a side of personality disorder... oooh... and just to spice things up... i have a very mild form of OCD....  oh but that doesn't top it... I am also type 1 diabetic with high blood pressure... which really stinks... but luckily I have an insulin pump that really helps me...

Now in saying that... I am notorious for stopping my medications because i "feel ok now" ... but guess what... this is just a form of subconscious punishment... Now I say subconscious because I dont think about it when i stop taking my meds... but I stop taking my meds at the times that I get really happy.  I have noticed that with in the past 7 months.  I was so hopelessly depressed about getting divorced... about being alone... that when i finally got even a little bit of happiness that came my way, i honestly stopped taking my meds, and took off my pump...  why?????   well... because i got happy...  But I am tired of that!!! I cant do that to myself or my children... I need to remember that it is ok for me to be happy... and the meds are the reason that i am not depressed 24/7 !!!  Why can't I just remember that....  So I am going to start getting on the right path again...  wish me the best!
 So I do want to put out there that I have a very odd life compared to some people... i dont think it odd... but others would lol...  I just wanted to say that because I dont have relationships like others do...  it always include multiple relationships and emotions... but I did find myself a boyfriend...  recently... but I think that I am starting to freak out... because I find myself becoming paranoid that he doesnt want me... or that its just a fake relationship...  I find myself wondering why in the heck he hasnt texted me... or called me...   but yet he says he cares for me...  I dont understand... is that to much to want someone to say good morning and good night to??   that is all I ask... simple I would think not... but for some reason it is so hard for others...    I will never understand it... then i do have someone else who is very interested in me... wants to date me... but the same thing with him, plus when it comes to him I dont see him much, and he gets upset by that... and I dont think it would be good for me to be in a relationship with someone whom doesnt understand that there are reasons why i cant go pick him up any time day or night that he wants...  He has no car... I cant grab my kids at midnight and go get him when i get out of work... that just isnt good

I really think that it would be good for me to be in the first relationship as long as things start going my way some more on the communication front... it might be a little bit before i stop being paranoid... but im going to try to work through it...

Do you have any suggestions??  I did talk to him about texting me more... but when i bring it up... i feel like an idiot... i dont want him to think im to clingy... but yet, i feel like i need to be at this point and time... I dont know... just give me what you think will help! lol


Alannah

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