Saturday, June 13, 2015

Welcome to my Opinion...

It is hard to explain who I am with out people becoming upset... Most of the time they are upset because  either 1. they don't understand or 2. they have opinions that don't match mine and they don't like that.  I like to just let people believe what they want.  As long as they do not come around me disrespecting me then i really don't care about their beliefs ... I mean yes... sometimes it is fun to talk about how you are different from each other.  But people should understand that everyone is different and will have their own views on things.

A good example of this comes with the whole being gay thing...

My view:

I personally am a true bi-sexual woman.  I say true bi-sexual because you have those people who do it to make their man happy... or they are what I like to call "drunk" bi's.  They would never actually have a real relationship with a woman that could lead into a forever.  I always felt weird and out of place in the world that i lived in...  when i finally let myself just roll with who i was... well it was amazing honestly... i never felt as good as when i just started taking off the mask and became who i truly am...  I am a Wiccan bi-sexual polyamorous woman.  And I am ok with that, and i am not ashamed ...  I believe that one day I will have a forever woman, who i will go through special times with and share a family with.
But in all honesty... i could careless if you are gay or not, i just want you happy... i want you to be ok with who you are...  when you see someone you care about, i want your eyes to light up and to just have that euphoria that happens when you see them.  You see so many people getting offended by the idea of love...
I don't believe in psychotic displays of affection in front of people... no matter what your sexual orientation is...  Believe me I dont want to look over and see a man and woman going crazy any more than i want to see two women or two men or how ever you have your life set.  I wouldn't do that, and i hope that people would be respectful enough to not do it either.   Now light hand holding, a hug, a kiss on the cheek or a little butt rub... and I think that is adorable and its nice to see that kind of love and affection out and about.
When it comes to my kids, we have conversations about how everyone is different and no two people are exactly the same... that you can love whom ever you want as long as you love that person fully in the way that you love them...   We talk about everything and i make sure they know that they can ask me anything they want... im not a sugar coater, i dont lie or make them feel like their questions are naughty or inappropriate ... i would rather them hear things from me than to have them learn things from their friends.  I encourage them to form their own opinions.  I am very lucky to have had parents that were the same way.  They never pushed their views on us.

As you see... i definitely have different thoughts and feelings than others... and most people who are bi or gay are not polyamorous..... and of course not everyone is Wiccan.  I am different... and honestly... I suffer from depression... but if i wasn't able to be who i am... it would probably be a lot worse than what it is.

I believe in loving people to the fullest...  and that is just who i am... maybe the next post will be explaining my polyamorous nature...  who knows... i just knew i had to get some of this off of my chest.

Alannah Mae

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Gosh this depression just doesn't want to quit!!

So just to let you all know... that $52 did buy me groceries for the 2 weeks, which will be up on 6/5/15!  I am super excited about that, i was able to make sure all of my bills were paid on time, and that is awesome....  And I did make the butter and buttermilk!! it turned out really good!!!

Now to get to what I am going to blog about;

I am Bipolar with a side of personality disorder... oooh... and just to spice things up... i have a very mild form of OCD....  oh but that doesn't top it... I am also type 1 diabetic with high blood pressure... which really stinks... but luckily I have an insulin pump that really helps me...

Now in saying that... I am notorious for stopping my medications because i "feel ok now" ... but guess what... this is just a form of subconscious punishment... Now I say subconscious because I dont think about it when i stop taking my meds... but I stop taking my meds at the times that I get really happy.  I have noticed that with in the past 7 months.  I was so hopelessly depressed about getting divorced... about being alone... that when i finally got even a little bit of happiness that came my way, i honestly stopped taking my meds, and took off my pump...  why?????   well... because i got happy...  But I am tired of that!!! I cant do that to myself or my children... I need to remember that it is ok for me to be happy... and the meds are the reason that i am not depressed 24/7 !!!  Why can't I just remember that....  So I am going to start getting on the right path again...  wish me the best!
 So I do want to put out there that I have a very odd life compared to some people... i dont think it odd... but others would lol...  I just wanted to say that because I dont have relationships like others do...  it always include multiple relationships and emotions... but I did find myself a boyfriend...  recently... but I think that I am starting to freak out... because I find myself becoming paranoid that he doesnt want me... or that its just a fake relationship...  I find myself wondering why in the heck he hasnt texted me... or called me...   but yet he says he cares for me...  I dont understand... is that to much to want someone to say good morning and good night to??   that is all I ask... simple I would think not... but for some reason it is so hard for others...    I will never understand it... then i do have someone else who is very interested in me... wants to date me... but the same thing with him, plus when it comes to him I dont see him much, and he gets upset by that... and I dont think it would be good for me to be in a relationship with someone whom doesnt understand that there are reasons why i cant go pick him up any time day or night that he wants...  He has no car... I cant grab my kids at midnight and go get him when i get out of work... that just isnt good

I really think that it would be good for me to be in the first relationship as long as things start going my way some more on the communication front... it might be a little bit before i stop being paranoid... but im going to try to work through it...

Do you have any suggestions??  I did talk to him about texting me more... but when i bring it up... i feel like an idiot... i dont want him to think im to clingy... but yet, i feel like i need to be at this point and time... I dont know... just give me what you think will help! lol